My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My vagina just recognized that song.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
