My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
