I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
