I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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