i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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