If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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