if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I wish I only lived at night.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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