I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
