He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
