I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
