New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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