I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
