Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
