I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
