last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
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