Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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