i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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