yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
