you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
