but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
