I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
