I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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