I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
