If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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