omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
