The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
