i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
