after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My penis needs a shock collar
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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