I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
