So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
