Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
