she woke up with a sticky ear
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Randomize
