9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
