hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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