My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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