I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
