my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
