I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
