I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
