my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
