Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You've changed since you got that strap on
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
