yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
