thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
