How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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