And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Then again, he has huge mansions.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.