apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.