just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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