I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party