as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof