Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
