so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I intend to get homeless drunk
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
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