So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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