We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?