Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
