Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.