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She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
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