My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
