Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm just crazy horny about you
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
