I am in a vortex of obligation.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
