I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
