it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
