Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
