never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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