she looked like the before picture.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
