Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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