How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
