The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
