I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
