Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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